Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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