I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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