she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
