I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
