I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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