Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
