i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
