Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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