Fine. I'll sleep in my office
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
