there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
