with your own penis?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
