I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
