We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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