i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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