I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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