Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
