your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
