hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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