I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
