I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
