He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
