Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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