I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
