So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
