peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
