MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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