You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you win again, gameday.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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