I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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