god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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