my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
