after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
