hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize