I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
