Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's just like the Real World with babies
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
