sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
