Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
