I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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