Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize