I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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