Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
