Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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