i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
