Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
