Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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