You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
