Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
