dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
