it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
