look no pants
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
