i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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