I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
