I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
